Every night, at around 1 or 2, I find myself in the same position. Physically, I’m in my bed, one leg criss-crossed over the other, as I balance my laptop on my thighs and eat candy that probably expired two years ago. Mentally, I’m in this weird place where style.com becomes a limitless haven that I can’t stop getting lost in. Because I don’t have much time throughout the day, I’m forced to limit my sartorial intake to pre-bed time, meaning that I’m usually a little dizzy and angry as I click through links on links on links of overpriced coats and pictures of models with cheekbones that I would honeslty fuck anyone for. In such a state, I usually start to get really sad because I don’t have said coat or said cheekbones and I realize that I need said coat and said cheekbones.
Last night, with legs criss-crossed and mind drifting into weird corners of sartorial disarray, I started looking through a style.com accessories post. As I clicked through what seemed like endless photos of bags and bangles, I looked down at my bare wrists and fingers and caressed my melancholic, unused neck. You see, for months, these areas of potential accessoric use (hint: “accessoric” is definitely not a word) have been barren, swaying through life without a single string of silk or piece of leather or strand of pearls. Not. Even. Pearls.
I’ve never invested in really great accessories, probably because when I get bored and want to add something to my outfits, I run into my mom’s closet and steal a brooch or bag and call it a day. If all else fails, I go to the hardware store and go all love-aesthetics.nl on my arms (don’t get this reference? Get out!). Today, though, I had an epiphany. While once again looking down at my naked arms, I realized that accessories don’t have to come with the name Hermes or even fall under the general class of necklace, bracelet, or ring. Instead, I’ve realized that I can use my body, in all its natural cuteness, to do the work a $7,000 bracelet does for most other people (I’m looking at you, Cartier Love).
My realization is as follows: every body part, and every unintentional item laying around one’s house, is an accessory. With enough fucking up, I can make my lips all chapped and gross, making them the perfect compliment to a rugged outfit. If I’m going for that Parisian chic vibe, some gray hairs mixed in with my chestnut locks could help achieve that effortless look. Oh, and let’s not forget overgrown finger nails. I always love a good overgrown fingernail. Other great, natural accessories we should all capitalize on are our deformities. They’re there, so we should probably give them some attention. Nothing says “I don’t need to wear an Hermes Clic Clac to be cool” like a really unsightly (yet bedazzled) third nipple! And if you have one weird toe that’s a lot longer than the rest, show that shit off until people literally can’t look at you anymore. Who needs toe rings when you can just have toes? Amirite? Below is a list of accessories one can discover in one’s own bodily treasure chest, along with a few items around the house that really were meant to be accessories, even if you didn’t know it yet.
1.Casts- Most people look at injuries as unfortunate occurrences. I look at them as potential outfit elevators. If you’re lucky enough to have a cast of any sort, you should probably bedazzle it if you want to be relevant in any way. Trust me. After I slammed my middle finger into a wall last weekend, I got this cast and immediately drenched it in jewels. Worth it? YOU BE THE JUDGE.
2.Chapped Lips- I never used to put on Chap Stick because I always thought it was a Capitalist scam (just like health insurance and those things people attach to their glasses so that if they fall off, they will stay attached to their neck. In other news, those can also be used as an accessory). With my naked lips, I think I bore a certain rugged look that many people are looking to replicate. Yes, chapped lips can be painful. But so can divorce and people still get divorced.
3.A Broken Nose- Again with the injuries. But this time, let me capitalize on the actual injury and not the vehicle one may use to cover it up. I remember this girl in my middle school who broke her nose by falling onto a basketball. She was kind of a slut so I didn’t feel that bad for her (beCuZ i wuz jealous), but I remember her coming to school the next week with an amazing crooked nose. It was almost like she was taunting everyone. “I don’t even care what direction I’m facing. I don’t even fucking care,” said her nose. It was awesome.
4.Overgrown Finger Nails- Let’s just refer to an old Gandhi quote for this one: “No one remembers a manicure. Everyone remembers unkempt nails and questionable dirt deposits.”
5.Unibrow- I never knew Frida Kahlo personally, but I’m just going to guess that she was a total sex bomb. When two eyebrows are separated, they look lonely. But when they come together to form one large furry expanse? Wow. That’s better than a Birkin.
6.Stringy Mustache Hair- I’m the type of man-boy who still can’t obtain a real mustache. So if I try to grow mine out, it turns into this weird, patchy field of beauty. Try it. Even if you’re a girl.
7.Pubic Hair?- Yeah, pubic hair. I’m not even going to expand on this one because it’s probably the ultimate accessory. It allows for limitless creativity and self-expression. Go wild.
8.Third Nipple- If you’re lucky enough to have one, you should let everyone know that you are genetically superior. It literally means that God wanted you to lactate more than anyone else. Sorry haters. It’s time to hang a wreath around that nipple and let it shine.
9.Wreaths- As per my request to “hang a wreath around that third nipple and let it shine,” let me just tell you that wreaths are cool to hang anywhere. Above picture is pretty old, but it demonstrates dat wreath action that I love to pull every once in a while.
10. Literally Get Naked- I’ll turn my head when I see a really nice bag, but not everyone in the world knows labels. If you’re looking for every human to notice you, use your whole body as an accessory by opting out of clothing. In other words, get naked and get noticed.
Have any other bright ideas? Let me know and I may try them out on myself as long as they don’t cause death.